This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize