I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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