Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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