She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
