I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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