I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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