oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
