Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
