Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
