Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
