i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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