I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
