For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize