DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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