So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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