My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize