Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
