Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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