I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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