and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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