I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
