Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
