I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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