I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
