this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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