ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I will pee on everything he values.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
