Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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