kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
