I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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