Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
