The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
