the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
