I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
