On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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