whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
