my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
