I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
