don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize