Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
