i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
