someone threw a dead crab at me
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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