Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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