She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
