hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
