Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
