how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
