I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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