a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i love accidental penises.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
