i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
