Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
