Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
