"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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