were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
