Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
