I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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